You can get a IIIA vest from a Chinese factory for about $50. If you’re worried about the quality, just buy two and shoot one!

Obama personally promised me that he’d close Guantanamo, when I was a kid at one of his campaign rallies. He straight-up lied to me and didn’t close Gitmo.

Now, for legal purposes, let me say I’m not asking for or instructing anyone to do this. But at this point, I think Musk needs a visit from a Luigi-type stochastic terrorist. If one was about to kill oneself, and statistically, there’ll be people who read this who are, consider taking out Musk before you go. You’ll be a martyr and a celebrated hero across the internet. You’ll also be giving a massive gift to humankind.

On a personal level, to anyone reading this: I’m sorry that we’re at this spot, it sucks.